Monday, July 17, 2017


The idea of not being here for Bela, hurts me, but come December I will have lived in Brownsville longer than any other place in my life.  I feel burdened by my material possessions and the house.  They have become a ball and chain on my soul.

Once Buster is gone and my obligation to my eldest brother is gone, I am gone.  For a long time I thought of North Carolina. The ocean is close and they have a cold season. Something I miss.

I now have a lot of family in Colorado so that is on my agenda.  If it is Colorado I will look for a small cabin in a very small town.  I will enjoy my family, but I will enjoy a simple life.

Days sitting before a fire or on a porch reading will be good days.  Life is about living and not how long you live.  I enjoy eating out with family and friends.  If I do the bariatric surgery that will change.  My weight is very stable.  I have no issues with my body, but the doctors believe if I lose 80 pounds it will relieve pressure on my spine.  Common sense says they are right, but my research says they are wrong and I am heading for a wheelchair.  According to the NIH based on the last lumber MRI I am in need of emergency surgery.

 I've communicated with MD Anderson and if the VA agrees they will take me as a patient.  I have 5 protruding discs going into the nerve canal, I have bone spurs going into the nerve canal, I have edema filling the the nerve canal, and elongated ligaments protruding into the nerve canal.  I have both bladder and bowel incontinence.

"Cauda equina syndrome can lead to bladder and bowel dysfunction (loss of bladder/bowel control) and even permanent paralysis in the muscles of one or both legs".

"Cauda equina syndrome is a potential surgical emergency, and may require timely decompression surgery to reduce/remove the pressure on the nerve(s). Undergoing early surgery seems to offer the best chance for improvement of sensory and muscle function as well as bowel and bladder function.
If left untreated, cauda equina syndrome can lead to permanent paralysis in the muscle of one or both legs and permanent loss of bladder/bowel control."
What frustrates me is, as I was getting on the scale I fell backwards from the intense pain in my legs and the nurse had to catch me.
The neurosurgeon wrote old age as a diagnosis.
I will fight tooth and nail to go to MD Anderson.  I am sending in all of the test results with NIH pictures, and analysis.
But here is my point.  I am going to move onto my next adventure.  I am fine with wearing night time diapers.  Hey life is what it is.  I embrace it.  But I  refuse to live out my life like this, so the second Buster is gone and my brother passes, the house goes up for sale and I am off to a small mountain town in Colorado or NC. I would rather die at age 70 living, than age 90 being control by my health problems.  Screw them - I am moving forward.

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