Monday, May 15, 2017


LOST IN THE JOURNEY AND LOOKING FOR ANY SENSE OF THE DESTINATION

Well again I may be on several days without sleep.  When my brain refuses to sleep, not even two medications can overcome the failure of the hypothalamus.

When I write I have a theme in my head, but I am not always sure where my writing will take me.  The following statement I made on Mothers Day, came at me as a complete surprise.  I almost edited it out, but did not because it was so spontaneous from my subconscious.

"When I think of mom I think of many things. Her strength and resolve is my curse I guess. I think all of the time, I am failing to measure up.

Today I spent a lot of time thinking about mom, and my brother who is dying a horrible death.  It is slow and painful.  I made a promise to mom to be there for him when I came to Texas.  She knew the story of his hardship growing up.  Funny how daddy had 7 kids with mom, Alicia, wife number 4, and 5 kids with Alice, wife number 2.

Below is Daddy with Alice - not sure if it was taken before the birth of any of the 5.  I will not mention their names because I promised the youngest girl to never tell this story until she passed.  I feel 100% confident she will not know of me writing this story.  I am told she does not know of the passing of the second oldest on July 3, 2016.


For Spring Break of 76' mom asked that I go to Florida and spend it with Alice and the eldest child who was a girl, long since passed.  Daddy would be 110 if he were still alive and Alice would be 108.

Alice was a wonderful loving person.  I was so enamored with her, I think I hurt mom.  It never occurred to mom I would take to Alice so easily.  She loved her art and work.  She was a wonderful painter.  Oh did she have rocks filled with gems.  She spend years collecting them out west and making jewelry.

I have her diary, and it lead me to the clues I needed to finish the story.  Before daddy died, he made amends with the 5.  My sister who  remained in Brownsville while marrying local gave me a wonderful gift.  She said to me, "I have no idea what your mom did to daddy but she made him into the father we never had."






I have no desire to go to the safe and dig our the court documents.  But I have the original divorce documents between daddy and Alice.  Judicial corruption matters and it destroys lives.

Alice in the diary speaks of the day the sheriff came to her home in New England, I believe it was New Hampshire, and based on a East Texas judge's order, took her 5 children and delivered them over to daddy who at the time was working in a restaurant he owned.

THE PROBLEM

According to the 5, and Alice's diary entry she and the children had never been to Texas.  In the court documents is an affidavit from a lawyer that he investigated daddy's claim that Alice had abandoned the children and him in Texas and found them to be true.  The judge never asked that any of the children be brought into court to verify the claim.  Of course he could not produce the children because it was one big lie.  Alice was on relief, and the government was after daddy to attend to his children.  So with the help of several corrupt East Texas lawyers and judge, the children were effectively kidnapped from Alice and given to daddy.

Daddy remarried a women who turn out to be a drunk.  He turned the children over to Jimmy as she was known, and went off to the merchant marines. How sad the 5 came to know Jimmy as their mother.  And yes, maybe 15 years or so ago I met Jimmy in her nursing home.  I was with 4 of the 5. The eldest of the five had already passed.   She directed me to leave her room because she saw daddy in me, and did not want me in her presence.

A funny side note, for reasons I will never understand my brother who suffered horrible abuse at her hands remained loyal to her.  But he would tell you endless stories about how she abused him. I did not want him to be alone at her funeral so I drove from Dallas to be by his side.  We went to her sister's nursing home to take her to the cemetery service.  When she got in my car she was laughing. She asked my brother why daddy was in the car.  My brother told him I was the son of his last wife.

Obviously her mind was not complete.  She was laughing when she said I looked just like daddy when he would have a threesome with her and her sister, Jimmy.  At the time that was daddy.  He was no saint during this time of his life.  But he made amends with everyone before he passed.  Just after he married mom he joined the Christian Science church.  It turned him around.

But the fact he became an amazing father does not change what he did to the five, not withstanding the fact with mom's help they forgave him.

After he abandoned the 5 to this drunk and sex addict, he joined the merchant marines.  He stayed until it reach the point the Germans were sinking too many of our ships and word came there were problems at home.  As the story goes, Jimmy put the eldest out to work, and not in a good way.

Daddy came home, and divorced her for the abuse the children were suffering, especially the eldest.  I adored the eldest and will never forget my Spring Break of 76' I spent with her and her mother Alice.  But because she was torn from her mother and left to a drunk and sex addict she was damaged.  The damage was passed onto her children. A handful of corrupt lawyers and a judge destroyed this innocent young lady, and in the end she paid for it with her life.  Yes this is why I fight these bastards so hard.

Daddy took a job with Pan Am in Brownsville.  He owned several acres on what is today Waco street.  The main house on his land has in residence the daughter of the man who bought the land from daddy.  I went to visit her and learned she knew the five.  Her grandfather owned the land across the street and when she would visit him she would play with my sisters.  These time were good for the 5, I am told.

But daddy was busy doing union organizing while working as a radio operator for Pan Am.  This was pre-radar.  The times were good, but not as good as they should have been.  He got a transfer to Nicaragua.  He took it.

Two of the daughters, were placed in some type Catholic facility her in Brownsville.  The eldest girl was to take my brother and youngest sister to live with our grandmother in Virginia.  After daddy left, my brother as it turns out was abandoned to Jimmy the alcoholic.  The oldest and youngest daughters went to Virginia to be with our grandmother.  The youngest tried to go back to her biological mother, but she had remarried.  It did not work out.

All of the girls were under 18 when they married.  They were all abused and abandoned because of corrupt lawyers and a judge in East Texas.  Many of their children carry the scars of the abuse suffered by their mothers.

My brother had 3 daughters and a son.  He had no education and no means to support 4 children.  So as little girls two of his daughters were put out for adoption.  Several years ago both were located.  Both lost their children to the state and had major personal problems.  One came to see my brother and their mother only to ask for money.  When she was told no, she left never to return.  The other stayed and lived with her brother and mother until the mother died.  They suffered because of the corrupt attorneys and East Texas judge.

My brother's relationship with Jimmy puzzles me.  He tells the story of how she put him on the streets of Houston barefoot on the hot streets, to shine shoes and sell papers.  His feet were horribly burned.  He would have to give the money he earned to her so she could buy liqueur.  He tells the story of how her family rejected him and emotionally abused him.  But this was all he knew.  The first chance he had he left.  He could not make it as a diner cook and eventually joined the Army for some 25 years.  He got his GED and when he left the Army he turned down the rank of E8, second from the top for an enlisted man, because of his health, and the condition he go back to Korea.  He had just married  his third and last wife, and knew how hard the military was on his family.  He went home to East Texas and bought an acre from Jimmy and set up his home near his son and daughter, and first wife.

After his stroke he had no fight left in him.  Although he was successful in the Army and did two tours in Vietnam, the years of abuse caught up to him.  His relationship with his last wife was also an abusive relationship.  It reached the point he would hang up the phone or become angry when we visited or his children visited because she would not allow him to speak with us.  Again this was normal to him.  He needed her because of the stroke, but hated how he and his family were treated by her.  He told me many times, he never loved her like he loved the mother of his children.  They were barely married when he retired, and she put him in a small second bedroom and told him he was not welcome in her bedroom.  It caused him major emotional pain,  He would cry over not even being allowed to hug her or kiss her.  But abuse is all he knew because of the actions of these corrupt lawyers and judge.

I have no idea how the five came to forgive daddy.  With us 7 he was a different man.  He was still  hard about work.  My brother tells a story of how he would not allow the two eldest back in the house until they finished shovelling the snow.  It was cold and they wanted in and he said no.  But he taught all of the oldest how to cook and how to fix just about anything.  He always took us on vacation.  We learned camping, and the oldest learn to hunt.  We went to California to see the youngest girl of the fiver and her family.  He took us to Disney Land.   We saw everything.  He never left any of his children behind again.  On the road as boys, 6 of the 7, we had to pee in a coffee can he would empty.  Only mom, my sister and daddy were allowed to use the Texaco bathroom when we travelled to California, or Nevada.  He also took us to Yellowstone and the Grand Canyon.  As the story goes on one camping trip someone left food out and he had to take a bat to bear.

DADDY

My memories are very fond.  Until I came to Brownsville I would go to the Feed Store for pet food because he would take me and lift me up to the dock, and then walk around to the stairs.  I have fond memories of going to the city dump which is why I love going to the dumb.  I can see him in 62' passing out sparklers while sitting in a lawn chair on the front lawn during the 4th of July.

Sometimes I do not know if these memories are ghost memories I should let go, or hold on to.

Mom had her plate full with all of the issues facing her 7 children.  I saw how tortured she was with worry.  So I never bothered her.  I was maybe 16, when she was washing dishes and I was sitting at the table and she said to me with her back to me "you have never asked for anything, but now you are asking for something I cannot give you."  I cannot get those words out of my head.  You see we never spoke of the gay/bisexual issue, but she knew and feared for my future and knew I wanted her to fix it .It was the one thing I asked for and it hurt her so bad she could not help me.  This was about 74'.  She knew if we spoke with a therapist it would be labeled as a mental illness, and she did not believe that and knew it would not help me.

So back to what my subconscious threw at me on Sunday. " "When I think of mom I think of many things. Her strength and resolve is my curse I guess. I think all of the time, I am failing to measure up."

How does a mother manage the troubles facing 7 children?  How can I possibly feel any sense of pressure compared to her journey.  So I continue the battle knowing full well my doctors have all told me to walk away because of the toll it is taking on me.  No - my battles are a lot fewer, but some have to be fought.

My brother's suffering began at the hands of a corrupt East Texas judge and it will not end at the hands of a corrupt East Texas judge.  Until his death daddy never told mom the truth about my brother.  Until the youngest of the 4 girls told her straight out daddy had lied to her and Jimmy was not my brother's mom. My mother believed the lie.  Daddy could not face mom with the truth because when daddy returned to the states my brother was still young enough to be raised by his real parents.  My brother was abandoned to the drunk and abusive third wife Jimmy.  This was a reality daddy could not face.

I have no idea how I got on this journey.  It would be easier if I knew my destination.  Every day I ask myself, what is the purpose of this journey?  I spent today asking mom, daddy and Alice for guidance.  But I guess it is for me to figure out.

But I learned this, my journey cannot be guided by an unhealthy need to measure up to mom.  I am certain that feeling comes from the guilt I feel over the pain I gave her for not being able to give me the only thing I ever asked for.  She was overwhelmed with her children and the pressures of her work which by then included a lot of politics with a lot of corrupt people, even at work.

In time her heart gave out when the challenges became more than any human being should face.  It is not in mine, mom's or daddy's DNA to walk away from an injustice.  Although daddy was the force behind the greatest injustice against the original 5.  From what I learned, he suffered for his actions and was beyond grateful when the 5 forgave him.  He was no longer the man who used corrupt lawyers and a judge to kidnap 5 innocent children from there mother.  The church changed him into the man I knew - my father who I adore.  But maybe my adoration is only in the memory of ghosts.

I wait for the call my brother has passed.  It is time.  But until then I will keep my promise to him and mom and bankrupt myself if need be to protected him from the abuse in the system.  If I end up in the hospital so be it.  The abuse has to stop.  He served this country for 25 years and it sickens me the system he fought to defend continues to abuse people.

It is so bad his attorney collected the life insurance on his late wife and refused to pay the nursing home.  Only when faced with eviction was I able to get the judge to force the attorney to turn over the money to pay the nursing home.  The scumbag lawyer was going to allow my brother to be put out n the street while keeping his money.  The scumbag judge refused to remove him for his actions.

I can go on and on.  But it will serve no purpose.   Some say my destination is justice, but I hope not because based on what I know, no such destination exists in our legal system.  I feel like I am in an endless loop with no way out.

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