Friday, April 10, 2015

It is easy for people to judge the impossible job of motherhood.  Where is that fine line?  While what I am about to tell you may sound cruel,  it is in fact the proof of the impossible job of being a mother.  Had mom lived, she would be 96 today. 
She knew the pain I was going through in dealing with my conflicting feelings over being gay/bisexual.  Mothers know these things - you do not have to tell them.
She was washing dishes while I was on the other side of the kitchen dinning room combination.  Without facing me, but clearly upset she said "you never ask for anything, why are you asking me to fix the one thing I cannot fix?  I never asked, but a mother feels their children's pain and instinctively want to fix the pain.
It was a no win question which pained her until the day she died, and pains me even as I type.  I know and understand the love in the question - it was really "I'm sorry."  I get it - But sorry for what?  She did nothing wrong - it was life in an ignorant world which caused the pain. No matter how irrational and without merit my feelings are of the moment, I will always feel like I caused her unbearable pain. I know it is irrational and without merit, but emotions like these are carved in stone. 
I always say God has his way.  I know by faith this moment in my life has guided me to help parents and children come together to understand you must embrace one another.
She needed to cry out her pain over not being able to help me, while letting me know if she could she would.  But as a 16 year old, it is a lot to understand.  I didn't need fixing, I needed acceptance.  I needed to know I was normal and everything would be okay. Maybe that is what she meant, but did not know how to say it because she was focused on the pain I was feeling and not just saying "be yourself and be happy."
Being a mother is an impossible job.  Beyond the love of their children there is no reward. 
She raised 6 boys and a girl after daddy died in 63'.  
In the end I remember how she would always kick ass for us.  I will never forget that day she was driving home from work and saw the police questioning a group of us playing in field owned by the water department.  Everyone played some kind of ball or tag in the field.  She stopped her car and went over to the police officer.  When all was done and over the officer was looking for his scrotum and testicles while we continued to play ball.  You see in her mind it was better we were all playing ball in a field than on a corner doing drugs. 
She had rules.  There was no overcoming a no.  She made sure we learned how to use our minds and hands.  I spent Easter Sunday teaching a friend how to rescreen his mother's front screen door.  She always made sure we went camping [from a woman who grew-up with 7 maids who never spent a night outside until she married daddy], went fishing.  She told us if we wanted to go to Nicaragua with her we needed to earn the money to pay for the trip.  We worked and worked and learned the value of a dollar.
Yes it is true I can write about everything I think she did wrong - but that would be my perspective - not hers as a mother doing an impossible job.  Children who judge their parents rarely understand the impossible job of motherhood.
Happy Birthday Mom - you to Juanito.     
My mom was not perfect - but you could not have asked for a more giving and caring mom in the world.

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