Tuesday, December 16, 2008


This post is going to go in several directions. It is amazing to me how little we still know about human sexuality, and how unwilling we are to discuss it in a public forum. The other day Dr. Dean Edell said that those people who are married who claim to not be having sex are to blame for their own predicament. His reasoning was basically, too vanilla and familiar.

As a society we are so sexually repressed and so confused about intimacy, we end up living without either. In the gay community, in part because of how society defined us, we use to believe being gay meant performing certain sexual acts with other men. I use certain because as adolescents many boys seem to be fine with mutual self manipulation while in a group or the gym showers. Today, successful gay couples know the genitalia is not what defines the relationship or the intimacy.

The genitalia is the least interesting part of sex. In the morning try taking a shower with your partner. You can only kiss and no touching of the genitalia. It can actually feel good. You will also think about it all day. You may be surprised to find out that your partner thought about it all day. You may be surprised to learn just how more interesting going to bed might be. Think about it, a simple text message during the day "you’re touch left me feeling good about us. Oooxxx" This is intimacy, without genitalia.

I know someone who gives his wife a rose every month on the day they met. It has been well over 20 years. They spend every Thanksgiving in Paris or Rome. This is intimacy. The opposite of intimacy is when our wife is pissed at you and you are such an insensitive boob that you announce it to the world.

Even raw sex is not intimacy. Raw sex is about your pleasure, not your partner’s. Married men do not seem to understand that when you have a life partner, sex becomes intimacy and her pleasure. This is where so many couples fail. I am not saying you should do things which will repulse you, but you should be willing to try things which give her pure pleasure and which in turn should give you pleasure by knowing she is pleased. The same goes for you ladies.
My ex believed oral sex meant talking during sex. That was a deal breaker, not because of the sex, but because it was indicative of bigger problems. There was never any intimacy. Without intimacy there is no relationship beyond raw sex.

My suggestion is, try the shower -try texting your partner every time you are thinking about them in a good way. Show them that you are listening. If your partner keeps on telling you how they wish they had their mother’s 1950's Betty Crocker cookbook, buy it on line and then send them a text during the day "Luv U - bread pudding." It will drive them nuts and make them feel good all day. Then you know what dude - after she opens your package later that evening maybe there may be less talking in the bedroom - bread pudding.

If all you are doing with your partner is vanilla sex until you release - you are a bad lover and know nothing about intimacy. Guys try discovering her body. Allow her emotional response to your touching (this includes the tongue) of her all over her body to guide you. Do not touch yourself. Do this for several nights in a row. You will find there is a lot more pleasure in what you are doing for her, than in you spending 3 minutes to produce a salty protein drink and then rolling over.

Ladies, it is then your turn. Intimacy is about pleasuring your husband. He may not know what gives him pleasure. It is up to you to help him discover it. Without it being a gay thing, straight men love to have their anus massaged either with your finger (use lube) or tongue. Try this while manipulating him with your hand or mouth. Ladies, when you are done - demand what ever you want for Christmas - do not be surprised if he robs a bank so he can afford to buy what ever you demanded.

I know his is an unusual post. But I figure if Dr. Dean Edell can talk about it on the radio, I can talk about it. In the end, true intimacy is about you pleasing you partner and you receiving great pleasure in knowing what you were willing to do to put a smile on your partner’s face.

Consider this my Holiday gift to all the sexually repressed readers. Guys, gay is when you can fall in love with another man - it is not sex. If you cannot fall in love with another man, then you are not gay because you like a little massage of your anus once in a while. And guys, for both you and your wife, they do sell anal douches. Remember - cleanliness is next to godliness.

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